If I Was a Rich Girl: This Will Not End Well
by Ace5980
Summary: Greed has always been a guy- and in trouble. What happens when Father finally has enough? Why does he suddenly feel like attacking Lust? Why is Envy treating him nicely for once? EnvyxOOC Greed- almost could be classified as an OC instead of Greed...
1. P: Death And Rebirth

Ace: Well, hello again everyone!!!! Since lots of people seemed to love Sorrow, I decided to get in on the action again since Sorrow was ready to move on to the next world. Her plot bunny was kind enough to become a zombie for everyone, so you all should be grateful.

Envy: Should be, but we're not, so get on with everything, would you?

Ace: *sniffle* Yeah...

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Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist. I do not own anything else other than this particular plot bunny. I do, however, own my pants. They're really nice pants. :)

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Prologue: Death and Rebirth

I didn't mean to do it. Well, not exactly at any rate. But it didn't matter to Father and the other homunculi. I had nothing to really do with it. Well, that was a lie. But I really didn't wake up that morning wanting to get in trouble yet again! Really, I didn't!

Of course, none of that mattered to Lust. As spokesperson for the homunculi, her word carried the most weight with Father, seconded only by Envy and Pride. Next was Wrath, a former human, Gluttony,who was always content to follow Lust's lead, and finally Sloth, who rarely did have anything to say.

And so I was dragged, kicking and screaming, by Wrath and Lust to stand before Father. I stiffened when I saw him, my competitor for ruler of the world. "Greed," he said slowly.

"Father," I spat, squirming in Wrath's death grip. "Let me go, you old bastard!"

"I'm sorry," he sneered, twisting my arm painfully behind me, "What was that you said? I'm rather hard of hearing."

"I said 'Let me go, you old-'"

"Greed." I glared at Envy, who'd stepped in on my behalf. He was the only homunculus who seemed to not hate me, but I wasn't fond of him. All he was to me was a homicidal gender-confused cross-dressing palm tree.

"Don't intervene for me, you son of a bitch!"

He raised an eyebrow lazily. "Are you calling Father a bitch?"

"I think I just did, you-"

"Enough, Greed, Envy. Wrath, loosen up on him. Lust, you and Pride take Gluttony out to take care of a few loose ends."

"Yes, Father," they all murmured, obedient as puppies as they hurried to obey his orders. My face twisted. Their loyalty sickened me, sickened me far worse than the horrors they'd done to the poor people who had been experimented on in Lab 5. I'd taken them in because I thought they deserved a second chance at life, and now they were all likely to be hunted down and murdered by my traitorous family, of which I swore out of. I wasn't part of them anymore. Not by blood, since I didn't have any, and I had no desire to be part of it by choice.

"Greed, I have ignored your rebellion because I thought it best for you to remain solitary, but this time, you've gone too far. You destroyed an entire laboratory and even marred the various tunnels for the transmutation circle. Explain yourself."

I glared at Father, inclining my head, shaking out my collar, and removing my sunglasses. "There's nothing to explain. I trashed your precious Lab 5 and set back construction on the tunnels for months. My motives were anger and greed, pure and simple. I don't care what you do to punish me at this point."

"Greed," he sighed, shaking his head. "Sometimes I think you have a little too much of myself inside of you."

I bared my teeth. "I am _nothing_ like you. Nothing!"

"I think it's time we started over, Greed."

Not this again. "You're kidding, right? You've done this hundreds of times now, and it still hasn't done a thing for me. I do something bad, you get put out with me, you dunk me, and we end up doing everything all over again."

"Oh? Then I think it's time we changed things up a bit when you come back." With that, he opened up the hole in the floor into the boiling cauldron below. I cussed him out loudly as I fell, hating the fact that no matter how many times I would end up in here throughout my many lives, I never could quite remember exactly where it was. Ironic. I hit the liquid and felt a splash of pain as my Philospher's Stone, my source of life, rejoined Father as I died. Luckily, or not so luckily, depending on your perspective, I did not remain there for long before I was spat out into the world again, and reborn as a different Greed than any of my other previous incarnations beforehand.

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Ace: Ooooooh, cliffhanger!

Envy: Not really. If they read the summery or the title, they'd be able to figure out what happens next. You aren't really all that original, Ace.

Ace: *glare* Shut up now, En, or I'm gonna have to get the garden shears.

Envy: *pales* Not the garden shears.

Ace: YES, THE GARDEN SHEARS! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Envy: *screams like a little girl*

Ace: Now I just have to FIND the garden shears.... Maybe a review or two or ten will help me search...


	2. 1:Palm Trees May Be Nicer Than They

Ace: *whimpers and touches hair* Why is it that I'm the one with the garden shears, but you end up being the one to give me a haircut?

Envy: It's not my fault you decided it would be a good idea to hunt me down in Ed's house.

Ace: Oh yeah... Worst plan ever...

Envy: Aw, does someone need a hug?

Ace: Yes.

*They hug and make up*

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Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. The only thing I may own is, um, Sorrow! Ha, I do own her!

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Chapter One: Palm Trees May Be Nicer Than They Appear

I groaned, shaking my head like a dog. I felt so god-damned awful, and I had no idea what had caused it. I tried to reach for the memory, but a wall of pain shot through my skull and I groaned again, distracted. The only thing I could remember without hurting myself was my name, Greed, and that I was a homunculus.

"Oh, good, you're awake," a light male voice said, floating into my ears with a strange kind of connotation to it. I cracked one eye open to see a strange man standing there. He had long green-black hair that came down to his elbows, a cut-off shirt, finger-less gloves, what appeared to be a skirt, and I didn't even know how to describe what he had on his feet. "I was beginning to get worried; you've never been out that long before."

"This has happened before?" I asked, confused. If it had happened before, then why didn't I remember anything.

He nodded, his hair going every which way. "Yeah. To be honest, it's becoming a rather bad habit for you."

"Then why the hell can't I remember anything?" I hissed, glaring at him balefully.

"Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there, Greed. If you knew what had happened, trust me, you wouldn't be here right now."

"Tell me. I want to know."

"And that there," he said, leveling a finger a me, "is exactly why you aren't allowed to know."

"At least tell me what the hell's going on," I pleaded.

He seemed to consider my request for a moment before he shrugged and crouched down beside me. "Well, my name is Envy. We're all homunculi here, named after what sin we are. Naturally, I'm envious, Wrath is wrathful, Lust is screwing around everyone she can, Pride is all full of himself, Gluttony eats everything in sight, and Sloth hates to work."

"So, because I'm Greed, I'm greedy?"

"Yeah, pretty much. The easy way to figure out which one of us is a homunculus, other than simple memory of us and our personalities, is to find an Ouroboros tattoo. Yours is on your hand, while mine is on my thigh."

I looked, and sure enough, there was a bright red tattoo of a six-sided star inside a winged snake eating its own tail on the outside of his thigh, exactly matching the one on my hand. I fisted my hand, watching the movement of flesh over my bones as I got the sudden image of a fist covered in leather smashing into Envy's face. Was it a memory of my forgotten past? "Envy," I said slowly, trying to hold onto the flash, "Did we fight a lot back when I had my memories?"

"Huh? Well, you didn't like me a lot, so yeah, we did get into a lot of fights. Why do you ask?"

"No reason," I said quickly, wanting to hide this new development from him. "I was just curious." I crossed my arms absently against my chest before becoming aware of something that didn't seem to belong there. I looked down at my chest, suddenly realizing with a flash of insight that I had boobs under my black shirt. "What the hell?" I screeched, standing up explosively.

Envy cracked up laughing, having realized instantly what I was talking about. "I thought Father was just kidding when he said something was going to be different this time!" he roared, convulsing on the floor in fits of hysterics, "But I never thought he was serious! This is great!"

"No it is not! I'm a fucking girl!"

"Not necessarily," he contradicted, sitting up and wiping away a tear from his eye. "You could just be androgynous like me."

I looked at him uneasily. "Please tell me you're not a girl too."

"Nope. I'm a guy. Now, are you going to find out or are you just gonna sit there all day?"

"I am not figuring out my gender while you are watching!"

He sighed, coming closer to me. I backed up until I was pressed against the wall, but he didn't stop until his legs were flush with mine. "Sheesh, if you aren't gonna figure it out for yourself, I'll do it for you!" And with that, he bucked against me, pressing his hips against mine for one long moment before prying himself off me. "Oh yeah," he said to my shocked face, "You're definitely female."

"What the hell!" I yelped, lashing out at him as a strange black metal covered my hand, changing my fingers into something more akin to claws. "Did you just figure out a new way to grope people?"

"No, I learned that one from Lust," he said, the long scratch on his face instantly healing up as he gazed at me with a strange look in his eye. "I'm sorry."

"As you damn well should be," I sulked, trying to get rid of the metal on my hand now, only to growl as it refused to disappear.

He sighed, coming closer and taking my hand from me. "Come here. Let me fix this, since it's my fault." He inspected my hand for a moment, then shook it out and handed it back to me perfectly fine now. I glared at him now, trying to find out if I wanted to stalk away and find out what the hell had happened to me or if I wanted to stay here and see how many times I could kill him in the next few minutes. For his sake, I chose the former rather than the much more dangerous latter, which would likely only end up in one or both of us killing each other to death, which I know makes little sense but is what would happen anyway.

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Ace: Envy, bad boy! You don't do things like groping people to help them figure out thier gender, even if they really do deserve it!

Envy: Yeah, well, she enjoyed it now, didn't she?

Greed: No. And I'm gonna have to have a talk to Lust about teaching you how to grope people.

Ace: Yeah, I'm curious about that too...

Envy: Um, why is the chapter insinuating that I'm nice?

Ace: Because I was trying to make a comparison to the little 'objects-in-the-mirror-may-be-closer-than-they-appear thing...

Envy: Oh.

Greed: I don't get it.

Envy: *notices glare daggers from Ace* Fine. Please review because it may result in me not getting castrated with sandpaper...

Greed: Thanks for the idea, Envy!

Envy: *face-palm* My God, what have I done?

Ace: Yeah, what have you done?

Envy: Get out of here, you.

Ace: Nope! You're stuck with me!

Envy: Lucky me...


	3. 2:Then Again, Maybe That Wasn't a Good

Ace: I'm sorry, everyone, but seeing as I cannot find Envy due to his fear of being attacked with sandpaper because of a lack of reviews to the contrary, Greed will have to be helping me with the disclaimer and such.

Greed: I'M GREED! I WANT MONEY! I WANT MEN! I WANT LAND, FAME! I WANT AN ENVY TO ABUSE FOR BEING A CREEPY PEDOPHILE!

Ace: *pats shoulder* It's okay, Greed, we all do. Now shall we leave them to the story while we go on a palm-tree hunt?

Greed: Hell yes!

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Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist. I do not own sandpaper. I do not own the awesome Greed quote. I do, however, own an awesome extra-credit video me and my friends did on Energy with the homunculi and Dante, even though we did not even get to see the completed thing in class due to the sheer number of FMA refrences.

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Chapter Two: Then Again, Maybe That Wasn't a Good Idea

"Okay, why the damn hell are you following me?" I yelled, noticing that I had seemed to have acquired a stalker.

Envy shrugged. "Why do you want to know?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PERVERT, THAT'S WHY!"

"Well, maybe I am a pervert."

Another memory flash came to me. I saw a fist slamming into my face, breaking a pair of sunglasses as I felt the metal creeping over my features before it was gone again. I growled then, hating the confusion going through my life right now.

Mistaking my aggression as something directed at him, Envy grinned. "If you want, I'll just steal something of Lust's for you, though she'll probably say you could borrow something of mine, but I can assure you that you don't want that. I may be rather feminine in figure, but I don't have anything to really hide your boobs all that well."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," I spat, knowing that until I got some straight answers from someone about my problems, I was going to be just as bad as Envy himself. I put my head down, remembering a half-forgotten technique of remembrance. Don't strain for the lost memories; just let them come at their own pace. I got instant results.

"_Greed, you self-centered ass!"_

_I turned to see Envy stalking towards me, anger in his eyes. "What do you want, little Envy the jealous?" I drawled, playing a coin through my fingers._

_He tackled me, pushing me up against the wall. "You selfish bastard! You're leaving?"_

_I glared at him. "This is ancient history, ugly. I'm leaving so that I can satisfy my own needs rather than those that self-concerned bastard who calls himself our father has, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."_

"_Ass-bastard," he growled._

_I laughed cruelly. "Is that all, or would you like to blame me for global warming too?"_

_He didn't respond with words. Instead, he chose to use a fist slamming into my face, which I very nearly didn't block in time with my powers. I grinned darkly and punched him right back, hammering it home to him with all the strength I had._

"Greed!" I reacted badly, kicking out at the figure leaning over me concernedly. "Greed! It's just me!" he yelped, hopping backwards as I flailed backwards into the wall.

"No! No! Get away from me, you ugly monster!"

His hands closed around my wrists. "Greed, calm down. It's okay."

"No it isn't! Something went wrong! I shouldn't be here!" I thrashed against him, trying to escape.

"Greed, what are you talking about?"

"What's wrong with her, Lust?"

"Quick, get her back to the holding cell!"

"No! No! Get off me! Let me go!" I yelled, still struggling against the hands on me. Why wouldn't they listen to me and leave me alone? I wasn't supposed to be here, in this nest of killers. I wasn't meant to be here. Not when I was supposed to be out there, getting money, sex, land, and fame. The world was supposed to be mine for the taking, so why was I still stuck here?

"Shh, Greed, it's okay. You safe here. Relax." Crap, was I speaking out loud? I bit my lip, feeling the tears sliding down my face.

"She must have some residential memories, and they triggered while you were off raiding my closet, Envy."

"How was I supposed to know the seals on her memories weren't right?"

"What are we going to do now with _your _mess, Envy?"

"Can I eat her, Lust?"

"No!"

"He didn't ask _you_, Envy. And it may not be all that bad of a Plan B."

"Give me some time, Lust. I'm sure I can calm her down if you give me the chance."

"...Fine. You have about a day. Make sure she either is back on board with us or that her body has been disposed of if you don't want her to be eaten. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, Greed, but you need to go back to your cell. Can you keep quiet long enough for us to get there?"

"Like hell!" I spat, wriggling.

"Then I'm sorry for this too," he murmured and smacked me hard over the head with what felt like a paperweight but I suspected was his hand. My world dissolved into black then, and I felt myself loosing awareness of the world for not the first time today. I swear, the gods must be pissed at me for some reason because, while I can't remember what I did to tick them off so much, it had to have been really bad for them to make me suffer even when I was in my current state.

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Ace: We're in way over our heads, aren't we?

Greed: *nods* Why did we ever go to that palm tree park?

Ace: Because we knew he had to be in there.

Greed: Yeah, but how are we supposed to find him?

Ace: Maybe a review or two would help...

Greed and Ace: *begin hacking way through forest searching for Envy* REVIEW FOR THE PALM-TREE-TORTURORS CLUB'S SANITY!


	4. 3:Am I Dead Yet?

Greed: Hello, everyone, and, um, welcome to another chapter of Rich Girl! I don't know how Ace does all this intro stuff, and she kinda can't help me since the solitary review only meant I escaped with my sanity, leaving behind Ace to the crazy-writers-stuff.

Ace: *trying to put a wooden square into a triangle hole* STUPID NOT-SQUARE HOLE!

Greed: Um, I think this is normal for her. Anyway, I think I hear the Disclaimer coming, so I'm gonna leave now to go track down that dumb palm-tree pervert...

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Disclaimer: Ace does not own Fullmetal Alchemist, no matter how insane she may get or how much she may want it or delude herself that she does. And, much to her relief, she does not own the Shrek enterprise (the reference will be there later). However, she does own a Lego pet cactus, which is the only pet she can have that her family trusts her to take care of without killing.

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Chapter Three: Am I Dead Yet?

For the second time today, I woke up on a crappy dirt floor after someone had knocked me out. The only difference was, this time I knew. I knew something horrible had happened and now I was stuck here to do evil things for the benefit of _not-me_. Honestly, can my life get any worse? No, don't answer that. I would rather not know the horrible developments that may or may not have occurred since Envy so rudely sent me into unconsciousness.

Oh God. Envy. Had he raped me or done something far worse now that he knew I remembered he hated my guts? It wouldn't surprise me if he had decided to rape me as some kind of sick joke. Then I remembered some long-lost words of Lust's; _It's not rape if you want it_. Okay, what the hell was my brain trying to tell me because it sure as hell was _not_ that I wanted Envy to rape me.

"You can relax now, Greed. I couldn't hurt you, not when you were like that. You can stop pretending and look at me now."

"What if I don't want to?"

"I thought you wanted to know the truth."

"I changed my mind. I don't want to know the truth anymore. I know enough to know better than to remain."

"Then you must have forgotten the best part," he pouted into my ear, startling me.

"What best part? And how the hell did you get behind me so fast?" I demanded, twisting around to see him.

"That was always your question, how did I get behind you so fast?" he murmured, brushing a hand down my hair, which had somehow grown out to hang down nearly as long as his did. "I loved that question. It was the one thing I never told you when we were together."

All the cogs of my mind screeched to a halt, and the little workers inside went on an extended holiday to somewhere that wasn't here. We hated each other, didn't we? It couldn't be like I thought he was saying. It simply couldn't be. "Yeah, but I want it answered now, you ugly monster," I growled, fighting the urge to smack him upside the head. As tempting as that might sound, it would likely only put him into a pissy mood and end up biting me in the butt.

"You never were one for subtleties, no matter what it was we were doing. I don't know why you took so much pleasure in what we did, but I have to admit that you were far better than Lust ever was. You were the only one I ever went back to."

Hell. "You have got to be kidding me," I gasped.

"About what?" he purred, holding me recklessly close to him.

"We were not hooking up. We hated each other."

"It was all a facade, love. A cleverly concocted lie on your part to hide our relationship. You didn't want your precious chimeras to know you were gay, and I was more than content to go along with your games. You were wonderful in what you did; you had to be." His voice was husky, and he pressed his lips to the skin under my ear.

"No. It's not possible. I would have remembered something about us, rather than what I do."

"What do you remember?" he asked, his lips whispering across the sensitive skin as he waited patiently for me to answer.

"I remember us fighting and you confronting me when I went to leave up until we started fighting."

"Anything else?"

"No," I murmured quietly, and he smirked.

"That's not really enough to say we didn't have a relationship, you know. Lust says she can't remember a quarter of the people she had a relationship with, and we all know she sleeps around with pretty much everyone she sees, so you have to know that memory has nothing to do if we were together. Plus, you were supposed to forget everything. The fact you remembered anything at all is remarkable in itself."

"So what now?" I asked, finding my urge to push myself away from him leaving me far faster than it had come.

He smirked, going closer to my face. "Well, I say we stop talking and pick back up right where we left off,"

"Stop," I said firmly, putting a hand over his mouth. "What proof do I have that all of this is real? What's my proof you didn't just make all this up to have sex with me or keep me here in the palm of your hand?"

"Why don't you kiss me and find out?" he responded cheekily, gazing at me with his strangely persuasive purple eyes.

"I don't really have a choice, now do I?" I sighed, peeking at him through my fingers.

"Not really," he muttered, gently reaching up to pull my hand down by my wrists. "If you don't, Lust, and Gluttony by extension, will make sure there's hell to pay."

"I really hate Lust," I growled, rolling my eyes. "But I'd rather not go on an expedition inside of Gluttony's Door-tummy anytime soon." So I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his.

* * *

Greed: BACK, BACK YOU SAVAGES! *attacked by a palm tree which is NOT Envy*

Envy: *sitting in tree off to the side, invisible to everyone else with a bag of popcorn* This is awesome! *noms contentedly on the popcorn*

Ace: *still at the square in a triangle hole* AND THEN HIS DONKEY FELL IN HER WAFFLE-HOLE!

Greed: *stares in shock* HIS DONKEY DID NOT FALL IN MY WAFFLE-HOLE!

Envy: *distant call* MY DONKEY DID NOT FALL IN HER WAFFLE-HOLE (yet)!

Greed: Aha! He's that way! Onward, insane girl!

Ace: *dragged away from her little triangle hole and square item* NO! I HAVEN'T PUT THE SQUARE IN THE NOT-SQUARE HOLE YET!

Greed: *whisper* Maybe a review will help her come back into her right mind. *shrugs* It certainly can't do her any harm and may result in the finding of a certain cross-dressing homicidal gender-confused perverted palm tree...


	5. 4:Split Personalities Aren't a Sign of

Greed: Ok, why is it that even though you got two more reviews, Ace, you're only even more insane now?

Ace: Me like the pretty rainbow tree. *smiles*

Greed: Oooookkkkaaaaaaay, you're done here. Let's just put in the disclaimer, shall we?

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Disclaimer: Ace5980 does not own FullMetal Alchemist. She does, however, sorta-kinda own a computer.

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Chapter Four: Split Personalities Aren't a Sign of Insanity, I Think

When our lips made contact, my brain quickly split into two separate entities. The first, and most vocal, screamed for me to punch his face in, to get the hell out of here. It ran around my body like a rat in a trap, desperately trying to get me to see sense. The second, however, was much more powerful than that first, burying it deep within myself, and its motives were not nearly quite so innocent. It told me to get closer to him, encouraged me to continue doing exactly what I was doing, which was proceeding to melt into a puddle in Envy's slender arms.

I leaned into the kiss, letting him push me to the floor and straddle me. Then something in me snapped, and I pushed him away, running away. I was afraid. Something was horribly wrong here, and I didn't like not knowing what. I took each turn around the maze-like underground complex without thinking, acting like a terrified rabbit trying desperately to escape a slavering dog. Shivering like a soaked kitten, I let myself collapse on the ground. I buried my head in my arms, clenching my eyes shut and trying so hard to break the seal on my memories.

I didn't need to know at this point. I _wanted_ to know, and as the sin known as Greed, wants were more important than needs. Pain laced through me, but I ignored it. I was Greed, and it was my decision to remember the truth, no matter what the cost. I gasped as something slipped through then, making me question most of my new life.

"_You two argue like a married couple," Lust stated dryly, running her fingers through her curly hair._

_I shrugged, the movement feeling strange with my sprawling position against the wall. "How's it my fault he's Envy? He's just jealous of me. It's his nature."_

"_That's not it, Greed, and you know it." Her tone was harsh, startling me unnecessarily. I eyed her confusedly, telling her to continue with my eyes. "He's just confused, but I've seen the signs better that either of you have. He loves you, Greed."_

_I snorted, amused and curious as to what Lust had been smoking before she had come here to talk to me. "Yeah, right. Like that little ball of hatred and spite could ever feel any emotion like that towards me, of all people. He hates my guts and would love to see me burn in Hell."_

"_Greed, I'm serious."_

"_So am I."_

_Her eyes narrowed as her nails shot out faster than I could pull up my Ultimate Shield in my surprise. She pinned me to the wall, eyes burning. 'Take me seriously for once, Greed. There is a fine line between love and hate, and it's one Envy had crossed a long time ago. Remember that, and when he finally finds this out for himself and confesses to you, do me a favor and picture me sitting nearby and telling you 'I told you so'."_

The memories were escaping faster now, coming one after the other. Flashes of us came, of the fights we would have, until I finally came back to that one scene where I was leaving and Envy confronted me before I left, or more specifically, what happened after that first punch.

_He was stronger than I knew, than I could have ever possibly calculated. He pressed me up against the wall, murder burning in his eyes, and I closed my eyes, not ready to watch myself die at the hands of the likes of _him_. Instead, I felt a pair of soft lips descend on mine, warm and gentle as I didn't know Envy could be. "Please Greed," he murmured when I opened my eyes in surprise, "Stay here, with me. I don't want you to leave."_

_I was in shock, and he took advantage of that shock, nuzzling against me. "Don't go, Greed. I love you."_

_Those three words brought me back to the land of sanity. "Love?" I sneered, a cruel smile lighting my features. "Don't make me laugh. You're a homunculus, not some sappy human. We don't love, only hate."_

"_But-"_

"_Goodbye, ugly. I'll be seeing you around, or not." And with those cold words ringing in the air, I pushed Envy off my chest and sauntered away into my new life, a life without secrets or love or anything more immediate than the whim and the want._

"What the hell?" I gasped, finally pushing myself out of the memory. "What was _that_?"

"Oh, hello Greed," a childish voice said, causing me to turn. A small boy stood behind me, one I fortunately recognized well.

"Hello, Pride," I said cordially, "and what are you doing here watching me have a mental breakdown on this fine day?"

* * *

Ace: OMG, LOOK, IT'S THE RAINBOW-TREE I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE TEA WITH!

Greed: That's nice, Ace. *drags off to padded room with straightjacket*

Envy: Phew, it's a good thing Greed didn't know that Ace has taken to calling me the rainbow-tree since she thinks I'm straight as a rainbow. *nervous chuckle*

Ace: NOO! I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR TEA! REVIEWS WILL HELP ME FIND THE POINTY OBJECTS AND GO HAVE TEA!

Greed: *facepalms at sight of numerous sharp objects surrounding Ace that she ignores* Just do it...


	6. 5:Pride Stalks Grownups from Their Rose

Ace: YAY, I'M BACK FROM THERAPY! In actuality, that means please disregard the chapter length, or lack thereof, because I finally just got out of writer's block here, 'kay?

Greed: YAY, ENVY CAME BACK!

Envy: You're actually happy to see me?

Greed: Sorta-kinda. *kisses on cheek*

Ace: DISCLAIMER, I SUMMON YOU!

* * *

Disclaimer: Ace5980 does not own FullMetal Alchemist. However, she does own a pair of pants which have an Ed-patch on them and a Mustang-patch happens to be on her brother's pants.

* * *

Chapter Five: Pride Stalks Grown-ups from Their Rosebushes?

"Actually," he said coldly, "I thought you were Envy." I growled at the mention of that pain-in-the-ass sin, which caused him to frown. "Having problems with your babysitter?"

Yes. "No." Damn my urge to protect him even when I knew something was horribly wrong.

He cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. "I don't think having a mental breakdown is normally a good thing, little Greed."

I growled. Pride's self-satisfied ways never failed to make me want to punch his little face in. "Don't you have somewhere to be? Children to demotivate? People to impress?"

Suddenly, I was pinned to the wall by living shadows. He sauntered over those few steps, trailing a finger down my face. "You know what?" he purred frighteningly, "I think I do."

"I would let her go right now if I were you, Pride," Envy hissed, appearing out of nowhere to clench his hand around the boy's wrist.

"And if I don't?" Pride replied snarkily, his many eyes narrowing. Without any pre-emptive change in his expression, Envy tightened his fingers, effortlessly shattering Pride's wrist. The boy howled in pain, his shadow things withdrawing as he cradled the healing arm.

"Stay away from Greed," Envy snarled, grabbing my arm and yanking me along with him on his angry stalk-away. Fury radiated from him in dark waves, a terrifying sight to me, the poor surfer so unwisely caught up in the eminent storm.

"Envy," I murmured shyly, unwilling to turn his anger upon myself, "you're hurting my arm." all the haste drained out of him in that instant, and he dropped me like I was burning him. My wrist, slightly crushed from the unintentional force of his anger, sparked as it healed over.

"I don't want him touching you ever again," he said, awkwardly rubbing his arm.

"Possessive much?" I said sarcastically.

"Pride's different. I'd call him a pedophile, but that's not really the correct term. He's a creepy kid who hides in the adult's rosebushes with the intent of raping them."

I shivered. "And let me guess. He's hiding in _my_ rosebushes now, isn't he?"

"I never said he had a good sense of self-preservation," he chuckled darkly, cracking his knuckles.

I raised my eyebrows but refrained from commenting on the unsaid evil laugh after his last sentence. "So, um, why did you save me after all _that_?"

"Because it's my job."

"Bullshit, now give me the real reason."

"Because I didn't... I didn't want to lose you again. I don't think I'd be able to take it."

That made sense with what I already knew, but for some reason, something still didn't sit right with me. I crossed my arms and felt my boobs brush against my arms strangely. "Um, Envy?" I asked, blushing, "Do you think I could-"

He blushed too, realizing what I was asking. "Yeah, sure, no problem," he said hurriedly, uncomfortable. "We can stop by a clothes store before we go off on our mission."

"MISSION?" I yelped, so horribly confused. "WHAT MISSION! WE HAVE A MISSION!"

"Yeah," he confirmed lazily, performing one of his strange instant mood 180s. "Lust came by while we were going at it. We're supposed to go 'persuade' some alchemist to keep his nose out of other people's business, if you catch my drift."

"When and where are we going?" I asked, shrugging off my lack of seeing Lust as a byproduct of my panic. "Liore, and we should be leaving _now_, preferably sooner."

I sighed, looking down at myself. At this rate, seeing as my boobs were still noticeable beneath my black shirt, I doubted I would be keeping much of my dignity before we reached the end of the day. "Fine. I'm ready to go."

There was a heavy sigh, and then something warm was dumped unceremoniously on my head. I slipped it off, feeling the gentle slide of silk on my fingers, and discovered the thing was a nice jacket that would prove most elegant for hiding my boobs and appeal to my taste. Surprised by the gesture, I looked at Envy's violet eyes, only for him to uncharacteristically hide his lavender orbs from me. "I don't want anyone to think they can steal _my_ Greed," he explained, a light dusting of pink coating his cheeks cutely.

"Thanks," I murmured, kissing his cheek. "That's really sweet."

"It is?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Mhm," I confirmed absently. "In a kind of creepy stalkerish way, yeah, it's _very_ romantic." seeing the contemplative gleam in his eye, I added, "But _before_ you try it, I'll tell you right now that if you start stalking me, I will take you down."

"Sounds fair to me."

* * *

Ace: AND LOOK, THERE'S A SQUIRREL!

Greed: Okay, back to the hospital with you!

Ace: *screaming as she's being dragged away* NO! I WANT TO LIVE!

Envy: Come here, love. *scoops up Greed*

Ace: REVIEW SO THEY'LL STOP KISSING! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE _PLEASE_!


End file.
